Talk Show Host

I don't know if I will explode if I am not someone else.

A rut has been identified and I am within it. Wish I knew what to do. Usually, when I reach this point, I find a new place to go, to move to. Perhaps it is just the holiday week-end. I dunno. Feeling very disconnected at the moment in general. Usually, that is a good thing for me--that whole not obligated to anyone thing. However, I just feel very numb at the moment.

I will blame Glenn ;P Gotta get over him. Really really do need to. But how?

Friday, my non-spouse left a voice-mail for me in which he just briefly told me that if I needed to talk about the Glenn thing, to call him. It didn't sound sincere. So, I didn't. I don't want to be that whiney friend that one doesn't want to hear from. I would much prefer to be the friend from whom a call is a special thing, not something to be screened. Haven't heard anything else from the non-spouse, even though he was oh-so interested in us getting together to help him get some stuff together to wear to a ren fest this coming week-end. Yeah, and he wonders why I don't trust him to show up when we have plans for things. I shouldn't have to call and remind him of things, so I decided a couple weeks ago to stop doing that. Look what it got me, eh?

Yeah, thanks for helping me lose any faith in men in my life, Glenn. You did wonders.

OK, time to shower and put away now clean clothes. Then, sleep.

Isn't my life an exciting one?

Twisting in the wind...

I received an email that had me in tears yesterday. They were tears of anxiety, fear, heartache...lots of mixed stuff. Why? Email from Glenn. He is apparently doing splendidly at whatever he is doing right now. I will assume the worst and that this means he is either married to or living with a woman who is at least pregnant with his kid. However, he is getting involved in SCA again. He left when we broke up. Joining is usually an action of someone who is single. I don't know.

What I do know is that he wants to see me again and eagerly asked about my presence at Pennsic. He was his usual perky happy self. It annoyed me. I saw none of the pain or anguish I have been feeling for the past four years. None of it. I want to know that he has been hurting as I have. I want to know that it isn't one-sided and stupid of me to have been in such pain with him not with me.

I didn't tell him that I will be at Pennsic.

I did, however, tell him that I am not comfortable seeing him again. I promised Amy that, the next time I saw him, I would stay at least 10 feet away from him at all times. She understood the attraction as well as the horrible results of that attraction. The fear is that Glenn and I will see each other, hug, then keep hugging...then end up fooling around or more. The next morning, enter the mini-break-up and the pain and hurt.

Don't want that. That is why I fear seeing him. It is also why I so very much desire to see him. It is a terrible situation. I hate it.

Yeah, I must be what I must be and face tomorrow. No more contact with Glenn. It hurts way too much.

But, I've stated that so many times before. He is a drug for me. And I will never be over my addiction. It must simply be controlled.