You saw me crying, but now my eyes are dry

I spent Sunday at a meeting where a friend I hadn't expected to see appeared. That was cool.

However, I found myself so completely mentally fried that, when I got home, all I could do was curl up, half-asleep on the couch, and watch whatever was in my DVD player. That was A Clockwork Orange and The Wall. I was on the verge of a mental implosion. My eyes were filled with premature tears and I found myself completely relating to Pink. Then, I imploded for a little bit. Stress does that to me.

So did getting photos of my back-up's new baby and realizing I have no milestones in my life...and feel like I am just slogging along. So did seeing Don and realizing that I have no milestones in my life. So did looking at a friend's engagement photos and hearing her decide on caterers and music for her wedding. So did just receiving photos of a new baby of a friend of mine from high school just today and realizing I have no milestones in my life.

So, I will continue to slog along and figure out what milestones I want to see in my life and build.

I put my tears in a jar--it will be full tomorrow

Almost a year after I moved here, I met a man online and we went out a couple of times. The first night we had sex, a few minutes after it was over, he asked if we could be friends with benefits. I wasn't up for the idea, so, we parted the next morning (after break-up sex that same night). He insisted that he wanted to still at least be friends. I doubted this. He plead his case for days, noting that he didn't want, in six months time, for either of us to wonder what the heck happened to the other person. He wanted us to keep in contact and talk like we had been. We went out for a lunch together. Six month later, I realized that I hadn't heard a peep from him. So, feeling snarky, I emailed him a message saying I found myself wondering whatever happened to him after having not heard from him for six months. He seemed to have missed the reference and, after babbling on about what he was up to, invited me to his birthday party.

I didn't go.

Perhaps I was cruel. Perhaps I think too much. Perhaps I remember too much. Perhaps I expect too much of people. What I am definitely certain of is that, in my almost four years of living in this city, he is the only person I dated and mated out of the 9 million people who live here.

And, today, we passed each other on the sidewalk. I was feeling none too pleased to be awake, or, more accurately, vertical. So, I was wearing a baseball cap declaring my love (or at least my leaf) for Canadian boys and a pair of large mirrored sunglasses. My hair was pulled-back into a ponytail. The suede coat I wore was buttoned-up and my hands were jammed into my pockets. I walked with my head down to see where the snow had not fully melted or had formed ridges of ice. I looked up to see what films were playing at the local cinema and saw Don walking toward me.

He just walked on by.

Now, I don't know for certain if I should be relieved or insulted that he did not recognize me. After all of his pleas for continued contact and claims that I was so important in his life, I would hope that he would have at least acknowledged my presence. There wasn't even a glance I saw. However, I was happy that I could just walk on by. I comforted my ego by reminding myself that I was wearing what celebrities wear when they wish to go about unrecognized (even was not wearing a lick of make-up). However, I can't help but wonder what would have happened if I had said "Hello, Don" as we passed each other.

He was coming out of the building in which my gym is located, carrying a duffel-bag. So, I strongly suspect he goes to the same gym as I. The chances of us encountering each other are pretty strong, if this is the case.

That's this evening's update on life. None too exciting in the end.