Twisting in the wind...
I received an email that had me in tears yesterday. They were tears of anxiety, fear, heartache...lots of mixed stuff. Why? Email from Glenn. He is apparently doing splendidly at whatever he is doing right now. I will assume the worst and that this means he is either married to or living with a woman who is at least pregnant with his kid. However, he is getting involved in SCA again. He left when we broke up. Joining is usually an action of someone who is single. I don't know.
What I do know is that he wants to see me again and eagerly asked about my presence at Pennsic. He was his usual perky happy self. It annoyed me. I saw none of the pain or anguish I have been feeling for the past four years. None of it. I want to know that he has been hurting as I have. I want to know that it isn't one-sided and stupid of me to have been in such pain with him not with me.
I didn't tell him that I will be at Pennsic.
I did, however, tell him that I am not comfortable seeing him again. I promised Amy that, the next time I saw him, I would stay at least 10 feet away from him at all times. She understood the attraction as well as the horrible results of that attraction. The fear is that Glenn and I will see each other, hug, then keep hugging...then end up fooling around or more. The next morning, enter the mini-break-up and the pain and hurt.
Don't want that. That is why I fear seeing him. It is also why I so very much desire to see him. It is a terrible situation. I hate it.
Yeah, I must be what I must be and face tomorrow. No more contact with Glenn. It hurts way too much.
But, I've stated that so many times before. He is a drug for me. And I will never be over my addiction. It must simply be controlled.
5 Comments:
Hopefully it worked out for you. I know you're stronger than you think. Have faith and just start trying to enjoy the simple things like the sweetness of the air as you inhale, the radiance of the sunlight of a new day, the hum of traffic in the morning, chocolate, the expressions of a stranger sitting opposite you on a train, the laughter of children, the curses from a cab driver, it's all good.
- an old friend.
Still have two weeks before I find out how this will turn out. I am sure I'll report back.
OOC, which "old friend" is this? Or is it a new friend disguised as an old friend with lots of anti-aging make-up and lotions? *smile*
er, change that--a young friend disguised as an old friend with AGING (not anti-aging) lotions etc.
Never try to type a lame joke while undercaffinated.
Never try to type anything like that.
getting older, more cynical by the moment type of friend, and no, I'm not a "new" friend.
Atleast I don't think I am.
Am I?
Hmm...
Have fun over there and take out a few combatants on the battle field for me.
Aaaaaaaaaaaaahhh....
I would say oldish friend ;) OLD friend= more than 10 years of knowing the person. Oldish=5 years. Middling=3 years. New=one year or less ;)
You're NOT old!!! Cynical, yeah. But, well, aren't we all?
;)
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