Somewhere I lost connections; ran out of songs to play

...well, maybe I haven't run out of songs to play. According to my weekend of mp3 player cleanup, I have well over 3400 songs ready and available--I even found some CDs I didn't realize I had. Oops.

Even worse, I rediscovered a used CD store a block away from my apartment that seems to have a very nice selection of techno/electronica. I found an obscure album by a Russian guy recording in France in English that I had been looking for since the middle of last year...and it was only $1.99. Sooo...my collection is definitely going to grow some more if there are more finds like that one.

I recently found myself getting in touch with a woman I haven't seen since my family moved out of a small town in northern Wisconsin when she and I were 12. She had found my email address in a guest-book for what would have been my graduating class had I stayed there. It is amazing to see how people change or don't after almost 20 years. She stayed in that small town (8000 people), got married, pushed out a few pups and works in the local Wal-Mart. She brought up a few of our old classmates from elementary school who stayed in town. They all seem to have intermarried and followed similar paths. She asked me what I had been up to. And, I told her...keeping things as simple as possible; where my family moved to, living in NL, college, grad school, present job and location. She was in awe of how much of an adventurous life I had.

Adventurous? Wow. That's really quite sad that my life is seen as being that.

It also makes me sad to think about how small-town America is vanishing. It makes me feel worse to know that I wouldn't go back...at least not seriously. There are times that I find myself daydreaming about winning the lottery and heading back, but joining up with a remote artists' colony outside of town. There is one that I have seen information about and, my last jr. high school crush from that town works there, making furniture and giving wilderness tours to school groups. Yeah, Roger (the crush) was a nature-boy I adored because of him being such a nature-boy. I also like to think that he liked me a little because of my own interest in those topics (he told me once that he was impressed by my plant identification skills and loaned me a book on tracking animals for silent-reading).

This started making me think again at how radically life can change from one path to the next with a simple decision. If I had stayed in the Netherlands instead of returning to the US to go to college, I know I would have continued in my IB program and then probably on to university in Scotland (the college counselor at my school in NL was a huge fan of St. Andrews and seemed to push students that way)...probably studying history...then maybe on to Glascow for graduate school where I would have met Neil Oliver and...

DAMN! That path could have led me to being the mother of Neil Oliver's children and I didn't take it. Oh well. Maybe next life.

Get the cool shoeshine

Parents, especially mothers, have a superpower--SuperGuilt. They have a way of being able to dispense advice about something they know nothing, making assumptions about their children based on what the child did when they were five, and then making the child feel like crap even though it is 25 years later and they are a complete, developed adult who is usually very in charge of their life. Had a series of mom-altercations this weekend. And, with the experiences of the last 24 hours, I now am able to pinpoint most of the reasons behind my eating disorder in college when I was a failed anorexic (I ate what an anorexic would, but gained weight). And now, in order to not fall into that self-loathing pattern, I am opting to tell my mother to either not give her "helpful" advice or simply f*ck off for a little while/go to time-out.

The weekend was very blah and relaxing. Time was spent at the gym and watching good and bad movies while cleaning my apartment, going through paperwork, and doing needlecrafts. I had a friend over yesterday evening whom I haven't seen in a couple months. He remarked on how "skinny" I've become, which was nice since I can't really tell what, if anything, has been lost. We then played Battlefront II and Tekken 5 and watched The Ringers.

There are times I am convinced I am a geek. I mean, hell, I game and find math to be soothing. However, it embarasses me to see the supergeeks in The Ringers and other gamer-geeks in action. Hell, the SCA crowd usually embarasses the hell out of me. Remember kids, just because you have a cloak doesn't mean it is something to wear in the mundane world...especially when waiting in line for a movie over 5 days in advance of the movie opening. That's just plain ol sad sad sad.

I also had a chance to think and grow irritated about an old friend. I flicked him on the nose a couple weeks ago regarding his seeming inability to treat me as a friend. The result? Daily emailS--yes, plural. I don't know if he is emailing because my flicking on the nose removed any delusions of strangeness, demonstrated my own knowledge of topics of great interest to him (thus, he wants to talk to get more info), or if he really realized that he was being a putz and should talk to me. Now, I wonder how long it will last until I suddenly am once again on the backburner of his attention-radar and what will cause it.

Oh the shark bites with his teeth, dear

A few days after the new year, I sent an email flick on the nose to two guys who claimed they wanted to be my friend, but from whom I received limited contact since. In my effort to have no regrets and to simplify my life, I asked them if they really wanted to hold up their end of the friendship deal or if they just wanted me to go away and to not bother them.

The result was that both have been pretty attentive. And the email conversations have been quite informative and fascinating--discussions of various fighting styles mainly.

So, these two guys I was so over...well, I am again not as over them as I thought (remember, I have major *thing* for martial artists and both of them are...one much moreso than the other, but the "lower" ranking one is a third dan in tae kwon do and teaches longsword classes for part of his living). I'm being nice and good and just a jovial non-pressuring friend, but damn. In addition, I'm finding myself bringing Ali into conversations with both and feel like I am using him as a person on whom to transfer affection felt for the other two since I actually see Ali regularly in person.

Bad me.

Yes, the trainer crush started again last night as I was doing leg presses and we were discussing dating and relationships. I so badly wanted to tell Ali "Hey, if I wasn't paying you, I would ask you out in an instant." But, that would have most definitely added an uckie dimension to our sessions that would be bad.

My restraint is amazing at times...not only for not slapping the hell out of some people, but also for keeping my heart off of my sleeve to keep strangeness from entering improperly into professional relationships.

I hate being so responsible at times.

I love you--you pay my rent

Why does it seem to surprise people so much that government corruption exists? Influence-peddling has existed for as long as humans have existed. Just take a look at the forming of alliances via marriage throughout cultures. The most valuable brides and grooms were not so because of their abilities or because of any emotional reasons...it was because of how much land their family owned or how many cows they had.

Forming an alliance with a powerful family by giving them something of value (a daughter or son with a dower or a bride-price) was supposed to secure your family's future and get an edge, if necessary, over the other families if things got tough. As a result, wouldn't it be logical to think that people with this attitude survived to pass it along to the next generation? So now, thousands of years after the practice started, of course lobbyists and corporations are going to try getting favors from those in power by paying money or taking them on trips to Scotland to play golf or taking them to US protectorate with their families for tropical vacations so they will protect the slave-labor-like manufacturing and prostitution industries there from prosecution. Hell, some lobbyists for major naughty industries even marry the politicians they originally met to influence...is this just a throwback to the arranged power-play marriage? hrmmmm?

We all do it. Just look at the simple personal politics of gift-giving at birthdays or around the holidays. Where should the line really be drawn though?

Can a line really be drawn and stuck to completely?

And, most importantly, how do you know who is really your friend and who is just keeping in touch with you just in case you can prove to be of use to them in the future for a monetary, emotional, or physical pay-off? hrmmmmm?

Destroy everything you touch...

Wow. I was so happy to check my hotmail account and find this article waiting for me, based upon my profile information

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Celeb love lessons (not!)
By Amy Keyishian

Go ahead and copy celebs’ clothing styles and adopt their pet causes. But when it comes to relationships, think twice before following in these famous folks’ footsteps.

Whether you like it or not, celebrities spearhead lots of trends these days, from the sublime (rallying for Africa) to the slightly ridiculous (toting around rodent-size pooches). But when it comes to love, perhaps we’d all be better off not taking notes from the stars. Why? Well, lately it seems as if they are unraveling in the relationship department. We came up with a don’t-do-this primer—a collection of some really wrong moves we saw in 2005 that we hope you don’t emulate.

Move to avoid #1: Not being clear on each other’s long-term relationship plans before getting in too deep
When Renée Zellweger and Kenny Chesney filed for an annulment after just a few months of marriage, they explained that they hadn’t realized the differing “objectives” each had for the union. Our advice: Talk about your definition of couplehood way before words anywhere close to “Will you marry me?” are uttered.

Move to avoid #2: Refusing to acknowledge a relationship everyone knows you’re having
Um, hello, Brangelina?

Move to avoid #3: Declaring your love too loudly
This is now officially known as “jumping the couch” after Tom Cruise’s furniture-hopping and exulting about his love for Katie Holmes. It’s fine to be in love and feel like shouting it from the rooftops, but, hey, you don’t actually have to do so. Because somehow, the louder you holler, the less people believe you.

Move to avoid #4: Going too far to prove you’re not cheating
Last June, when Russell Crowe couldn't get through to his wife in Australia from his New York hotel, he hurled the phone at a concierge in anger. “I'm trying to fulfill my basic obligations to my wife who needs to know I'm in bed, and that I'm alone,” Crowe explained in his defense on Late Show with David Letterman. “She wants to know and I try to respect that.” Letterman’s retort: “I would think in this case being in prison probably put her mind at ease.” Sure, do your best to make a call or send a message if you’re in that sort of “check in with me” relationship, but — please — don’t get violent.

Move to avoid #5: Giving in to temptation and cheating with someone very close to home
If a guy’s going to cheat on his fiancée, doing so with a member of the household — as Jude Law did with nanny Daisy Wright — ramps things up to a new level of deceit. In Law’s case, the evidence was so strong he was forced to fess up to fiancée Sienna Miller last July. Not exactly a great way to move your engagement ahead, now is it?

Move to avoid #6: Trying to keep up a front that nobody can possibly believe
Pervasive rumors put Nick Lachey at the center of a wild bachelor party. The couple said everything was fine. More rumors linked Jessica Simpson to bad boy Bam Margera. The couple said everything was fine. Page Six reported the kids had signed divorce papers. Nick went on TV, saying everything was fine... Finally, Nick and Jess announced their separation on November 23. Hey, we’re all for keeping the private things private and putting a brave face on a tragic split, but when speculation spills over from a whisper to a scream, you start to look a little... crazy. So if your love life isn’t going the way you’d hoped, no point keeping up a sham. We say, let the truth be told.

Amy Keyishian is a freelance writer living in New York City who's written for nerve.com, Cosmopolitan, Maxim, and saltmag.com. She subsists on a steady diet of celebrity-gossip hors d'oeuvres and scandal cocktails.

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I mean, wow! This is information that is not only relevant to my personal life, but very timely as well! Thank you, MSN!

D is very proud of the fact that she is probably the only woman between the ages of 25 and 35 who has never seen an episode of Sex in the City and is even more proud of the fact that the mere sight of Sarah Jessica Parker makes her itch and want to rip her eyeballs out. Hell, let's face it, D is very proud of not really giving a sh*t about celebrity romances...well, until Karl Urban comes a knocking at her door, but that won't happen, so it's safe so say she doesn't give a sh*t.

Seemed like the real thing, but I was so blind

When the alarm went off this morning at 6:00, I woke to a news bit about the update on a murder case of a kid who happens to have had the same name as the guy I was once deluded enough to be engaged to. There was something satisfying to hear "...in the murder of [insert ex's name here]" from a reputable news source. Sighing happily and realizing I didn't have to get out of the office early, I reset my alarm for 7:00 and dozed on and off for the next hour.

Once I did get up, it only took me half an hour to get dressed and ready for the day. So, I woke up an hour later than normal, but got in only a half hour later than normal. I love it when that happens. Of course, it makes me wonder why it takes me twice as long to get ready on my supposedly "normal" days.

Mr. Bush is in town today. Yes, Mr. Bush...I mean, he wasn't actually elected to his office in the first place. And, as Paula Poundstone used to say about Bush the Elder when he was President "He's not my president." Clinton will always be my president. He was the first one that I voted for.

About a week after I moved to MN in 1996, I went to the MN State Fair to get to know more about my new state of residency...and to kill time until I got a job. So, I hopped on my bike and rode to the fairgrounds. It so happened that Al Gore and Paul Wellstone were giving speeches at the fair that day. Yay! So, I listened to them speak and, afterwards, was acknowledged by Paul Wellstone. It made me proud to be a liberal to be in the presence of those two great men.

Throughout my senior year as an undergrad, one of my housemates who originally hailed from MN would watch C-SPAN obsessively to catch any moment that Paul Wellstone was speaking on the Senate floor. When he was, she would yell out "THERE'S MY SENATOR!!!!" and grab any passer-by to make them watch and listen with her. When I was accepted to UMN for grad school, she took it upon herself to educate me on how to fit-in. So, we would talk hockey, she would teach me how to communicate with the natives (including the "oh for" combo used almost exclusively by women), and she educated me on the history of the DFL.

A year after I moved to MN, this same housemate graduated from college and moved back to MN, becoming an active member and officer in her local DFL ward in St. Paul. She would bring me along on pub crawls with the group and try to get me involved more, but I guess I was definitely of the opinion even then that my time in MN was temporary...I felt sort of uncomfy since I wasn't going to be committing to the state. However, I threw my support in with them and their activities. I also helped set up some databases and did some emergency computer support for the friend at her job for Project 120 (educational program about the MN state legislature for high school students).

Since leaving MN, I have had the honor of voting for Barrack Obama and other leading liberals. However, I still see Paul Wellstone as the greatest and MY SENATOR, even though it has been years since he and his wife tragically died. And, whenever I see or hear Norm Coleman (widely viewed by MN Democrats as a turncoat since he changed parties from the DFL to Republican while Mayor of St. Paul) I feel physically ill and angered.

Back when I was a wee kidlet living in northern WI, my mother took me to a political rally where Geraldine Ferraro was speaking. She thought it was important for me to see a woman who could possibly be Veep or even President. This is the same woman (my mother), who had me with her when she and the rest of the local NOW chapter symbolically chained themselves to the county court house in support of the ERA. Now, she tears-up whenever she even hears Barrack Obama's name. I don't know if it is pride that does it, exactly. I think it is a sort of sadness that someone like Senator Obama is seen as being so rare...the ideals he stands for in her mind and the simple honesty that she thought would have been common after the 60's. When she teared-up while telling me about his biography and I asked her, she got all embarrassed and told me that she hadn't felt that way about a politician since Robert Kennedy. Maybe the tears are also caused by fear that Senator Obama may meet the same fate as RFK because of continued stupidity in this country and she is still in mourning over RFK...

...similar to my own mourning for Paul Wellstone.

After the holiday

Alrighty. Four blogs are just way too much to handle. After doing some pseudo-stress-tests of different options, I have decided to combine three of my blogs into one, based in Blogger. That means that the Tribe and the MySpace ones will be dead or at least barely on life-support. Of course, this also means that it will be easier to be snarky about MySpace. Yay, eh?

Another big change is the title of this blog. It used to be that this was mainly my venting place--where I would put those rants that would usually receive coos of pity or extreme concern from friends but which I wanted to just let out and let go of (bottling those things up can be dangerous). So, the "(un)Happy" has been taken off of the title and it is back to yak. Of course, friends who have found their ways here must keep in mind that I do have a tendency to just blow-up textually and that lets me let go of things. So, don't stress or freak about something I may type here. If anything is to be taken away from a post, they are the simple basic unembellished facts (not to be confused with factoids, which are untrue by definition).

So, if I rant about my sister-in-law having her head stuck up her ass during a recent visit, just take away the information that I went to see my sister-in-law. Although offers of names of hitmen or ways of disposing of bodies are appreciated for the spirit of the offer, they are not necessary and will not be taken with any intent of being used. I was given the favor/debt from a mafia head owed to a coworker when I was a grad student and never took the opportunity then, when things were less complicated, so I definitely won't now.

OK, time to work.