I don't have any sisters. However, when I was 12, I met a girl who became the closest thing I have ever experienced to that kind of relation. In my wondrous quest for anonymity for people involved in these rants, I'll call her Lainey.
Lainey and I had a lot in common culturally and had warped senses of humor. However, throughout high school, I found myself slipping in to Lainey's shadow...almost into her wake. She was naturally blonde, terribly athletic, and, since she mainly associated with boys, she was their little darling. I was a total band and orchestra geek. My perfect relative pitch was my main pride in high school along with getting first chair for the French horn section my freshman year. Lainey was always dating someone. I didn't have my first boyfriend until college. She was always giggling about something or other, usually just to pique the interest of some guy by then acting all mysterious about what was so funny since, well, nothing was. She was always so perfect in everything she did (except for orchestra); perfect grades, great at athletics, always so considerate of those around her, so completely *nice* and politically correct. It was an honor to be called her friend, but it hurt to so often find myself feeling like a warm pile of crap when we would go places together, like I was the friend to have along for comparison to make her look better...even though I know this was not her intention at all.
In college, we remained friends, and I found that I was pretty much her only female friend who wasn't a member of one of the mainly male athletic activities she took part in. Sophomore year of college, that was my "Year of Many Men". I was living on campus in a housing cooperative with 18 other women. Life was good and I was supposedly "Going through men like toilet paper" according to my house president. Every one of those men though dated me after they tried and struck out with Lainey.
It did not help my ego at all and I was at the point of expecting that any male who met the two of us would just focus his attention on the giggly, seemingly mysterious blonde and, after she rejected him, he would suddenly realize I existed. This became such an expectation that I didn't realize until four years later that I had a very good chance with the one guy I knew whom my father approved of most enthusiastically and with whom I think I would have been very happy, Thomas. Hindsight is truly 20/20.
Thomas was a friend of one of my housemates who had been studying medicinal practices of indigenous tribes in South America for a year and had recently returned to the country to finish his undergraduate degree. Lainey and I went to see another housemate of mine perform in a small production of
Equus in the spring of that sophomore year. After the play, as we waited to compliment my housemate on her performance, Thomas approached and I introduced him to Lainey. Thomas was pretty much a Ken doll with Zen tendencies. Since I was with Lainey, I expected the attention to be focused upon her completely. Lainey and I complimented my housemate and Thomas asked us if we wanted to go out for a drink and continue our conversation. Lainey and I were both underage (Thomas was a super-senior--his fourth year had been spent overseas, so he had to attend a fifth year to complete his degree) and offered up the option of coffee. At the cafe, Thomas focused all of his attention on me and Lainey was quite irritated and put-out. I didn't realize what was going on since I was so used to being passed-over for her.
As he walked us home, Thomas and I spoke about a favorite artsy fartsy film that was going to be playing on campus and he asked me if I wanted to go. Stupid me, I thought he meant as part of a group of people. He meant as a date. Needless to say, I was caught off guard when I brought a male friend with me since I was under the impression that it was a group outing and ended up with the equivalent of two dates...two dates who nearly got into a fist fight as they walked me home.Both Lainey and Thomas ended up moving into my housing co-op the following autumn. Thomas and I spent a lot of time together, chatting in my room over coffee about life, the universe, and everything. Lainey was never around for those conversations. However, over the summer, I had met Joe and we dated the rest of my college years, so again, I didn't realize that Thomas was a possibility.
What was the big attraction of Joe to me? He didn't know Lainey until after we started dating. And, when he met her, she irritated him. If I had known better, I would have pursued Thomas. Joe started cheating on me within a year, but I didn't have a clue about it until just after two years.
Five years ago, Lainey got married to that team-mate she started dating. I went to the wedding and was feeling every part the bridesmaid but never the bride. I consoled myself though by thinking "Hey, she's now officially off the market and I can get out of her shadow." For years, even though we spoke still as friends and sisters, there was always a feeling from her of me not being quite proper or as open minded or whatever because she was a true academic. I was living in the real world, holding down 3 jobs and working on my MA. She was doing research. I left grad school without completing my thesis and had a head-on collision with the real world. She did research and biked and was married. I had an abusive fiance. She made quilts and attended protests. I bought a truck (that is high mileage and designed to burn ethanol, but she never listened). She lectured on fossil fuel usage. I got rid of the fiance, moved to a major city, and sold-out, became financially stable, and got my life together. She lectured me about theoretical politics and I refuted her with real people and situations gained from living life outside of academia.
Men we knew in college who were drawn in by her mysterious act finally asked me what the big mystery was and I told them simply "Nothing. You just wanted there to be a mystery." Lainey, though, simply told me that she didn't want to know anything about them when I would convey news about their lives. When I found that Thomas was living in the town she now lived in and was involved with projects related to her research that might result in her getting more involved in her community or possibly a job in her field working for the environment, I told her. She didn't remember who he was, even though we shared a house for a year, and had no interest in knowing him again.
Then, I got word from her this spring that her marriage was at an end. She was terribly depressed and upset. I admit, it was ugly, but I was secretly a little evilly pleased that Miss "I know everything better than you do" Perfect's marriage was kaput. I felt bad for Lainey, and tried to comfort her. I offered her escape from reminders of her marriage. I offered her a hiding-place where she could figure out what to do next. I wrote her a happy letter, trying to remind her of happy things in life. What I got back was a venomous letter full of lectures and judgment.
Now, I am trying to get up the nerve to write to her again. I understand that she is hurting and most likely was just lashing out at something that was available, but it hurts all the same. I don't want to be the pee-on again for her. I don't want to be chasing after her to make an effort to be her friend and still feel like the insignificant pile o' crap next to her radiance. However, she claims to not have many friends and claims to value my friendship.
Maybe I will try once more and just bear up. She is the closest thing I have ever had to a sister and, well, I am loathe to toss away someone I have known for 16 years of my life.
Wish me luck.
