Sowing the seeds of love

OK, the regular Friday giggle-fest has passed here at work and, in an effort to avoid such catty emails, though entertaining, in the future, I decided to post a message that may be of use.

Advice for men who post to dating web sites:
1) A working knowledge of English is a must.
Women usually are turned on by men who seem intelligent. This sparks the primal part of our brains that says "This is a good provider. Must mate with him." Reading a message filled with failed net-speak, also known as "Lazy-ass mo-fo" speak is an instant turn-off because it screams "WILL NOT PROVIDE! NOT INTELLIGENT!" at us.

2) Post a photo.
Yeah, I know, that sparks the ideas of the viewer being superficial, blah blah blah. But hey, aren't you also? It is evenly spread around across genders. If you aren't posting a photo, that sparks the thought of "This guy is not to be trusted."

3) If you do post a photo, post one of yourself.
Again, if it is so obviously not you, such as one found as a filler photo of a frame just purchased, it screams "Do not trust this man!!"

4) If you do post a photo of yourself, do not post one of you with your arm around some woman.
Yes, we can see things at the edge of the photo. It may be your sister, or the bridesmaid you were paired-up with at your cousin's wedding. However, to the casual viewer, it does not seem that way. It may be your ex-girlfriend or even your mom. The tips of a fly-away hair-cut or the strap of a dress make us wonder if you are already involved with someone or even married. One of my friends received an email from a man who had posted a photo of himself in a tuxedo in which the sleeve of what was obviously a white wedding-dress and the edge of dark hair was visible. Her first thought was that he was probably married, or he was lying about having never been married. She then sent the profile information to all of her female friends for their input and to share a laugh. Needless to say, she didn't respond to him. It could have been an innocent photo, maybe he was in the wedding-party. However, she didn't know that. So, play it safe and leave any possible questions out.

6) Posting photos of yourself topless is just plain desparate.
They usually, in my circle of female friends, bring the phrase "Oh honey, come out of the closet already!"

7) Photos of pets are good.
Pet ownership shows that you have the ability to care for another living creature. This again sparks the primal mating desire of your average woman.

8) Punctuate. Period.
The same friend forwarded a message to me she received from an interested party. I had to spend 15 minutes editing it to make my headache go away so I could sort of understand what he was intending to say. There were no commas, periods or apostrophes. This is not including spelling and grammar mistakes. The apostrophe thing is a huge issue. Please consult Bob the Angry Flower for more information at Bob's Quick Guide to the Apostrophe, You Idiots.

Anyway, I hope that that helps improve the success of folks on any dating web sites. Above all else, be honest. If you feel you can't do that, there is no way you will be comfortable enough in a relationship with anyone you might possibly meet on a dating web site. And, if all you want is a one-night stand, well, if you're not comfortable with yourself, the sex will completely suck. Trust me. I know what I speak of.

Also, if this advice is followed, perhaps I can get through a Friday afternoon without nearly wetting myself with laughter at what friends of mine on dating sites feel the need to forward on to me.

Have a good two weeks. I will be without web access on vacation.

Live well, be well, fight well.