A Million Miles Away

While taking a shower tonight, Jim Boyd's song, A Million Miles Away, came flying into my head through the open window. I don't know how. Depressing, maybe. But, for me, the song holds so much meaning because of the time in my life and the time I spent road-tripping back and forth to Canada years ago. I think that it was at a time I felt, deep down, that it was time to leave MN and I wanted to bring my love with me, to run away together and start a new life together. I had seen him at his most fragile, and he at mine. There were no pretenses between us and we really could feel each other hundreds of miles apart. I thought we saw each other for what we were. Now, though, I wonder. Of course, I may have seen him too clearly and that is why I had to back away...far away and cut him out.

It just hit me that, before that disc became such an integral part of my aural existence, one that was the main meaning holder for me was Van Morrison's Brand New Day. It was because I did feel like I was getting out of a truly dark time in my life and those trips up north and back south--especially the pre-dawn drives south when I watched the sun rise--made the song very poingant (sp?).

So, in my horrid lyric quoting way, here are the lyrics to both songs, signifying the beginning and the middle of my last relationship long ago.

Brand New Day - Van Morrison
When all the dark clouds roll away
And the sun begins to shine
I see my freedom from across the way
And it comes right in on time
Well it shines so bright and it gives so much light
And it comes from the sky above
Makes me feel so free makes me feel like me
And lights my life with love
Chorus:
And it seems like and it feels like
And it seems like yes it feels like
A brand new day, yeah
A brand new day oh

I was lost and double crossed
With my hands behind my back
I was longtime hurt and thrown in the dirt
Shoved out on the railroad track
I've been used, abused and so confused
And I had nowhere to run
But I stood and looked
And my eyes got hooked
On that beautiful morning sun
Chorus
And the sun shines down all on the ground
Yeah and the grass is oh so green
And my heart is still and I've got the will
And I don't really feel so mean
Here it comes, here it comes
0 here it comes right now
And it comes right in on time
Well it eases me and it pleases me
And it satisfies my mind
Chorus


A Million Miles Away - Jim Boyd
When I see your face in the firelight
I wonder how the fire started
Some people might call you pretty
But I'd call you broken-hearted
And I've got a map in my pocket
That has your name written in blue
I'll follow you like a river
If you just guide me through
Chorus:
Let's rent a car and drive it,
A million miles away
Let's start a fire and survive it.
A million miles away
Let's steal the sun and hide it,
A million miles away
Let's find a storm and ride it,
A million miles away
When I see you dance in the barlight
I wonder when the song'll end
Some people might think you graceful
But I think you're brittle and bent
And I've got a map in my pocket
Where every town is named for you
I'll make a stop in all of 'em
If you just guide me through
Chorus
When I see you read by the candlelight
I wonder if you'll hurt your eyes
Some people like happy endings
But I've always liked a surprise
And I've got a map here in my pocket
That shows where Lucifer fell
Ya I'll fall from Heaven
If you guide me through Hell


I suppose I was a grownup to decide to head out somewhere to start life again on my own without him. I don't know. I still miss him terribly as the years go on. You think that there should come a day that you stop. But, no matter who I hooked-up with or who I spent time with and tried to focus my emotions on since, I always have a spot in my heart that will never belong to me again. And, that spot does ache within me; a constant dull throbbing that, late at night, becomes more noticeable. I often wonder "What if I blew it? What if I really had found the ONE I was meant to be with and tossed it away? Maybe I found the right man, but at the wrong time. And, will having closed off that door keep me from ever finding him again at the right time?"

What is the use of wondering, huh? It's done. And, well, there really is no going back, no matter how much regret, how much hurt, how much wishing and praying and planning on how to do things better this time. There really are no second chances, are there? No.