How lame is too lame?

OK, let's see how lame this can be in the first paragraph, shall we?

I feel really dumb for doing this, but I used to do a lot of e-rants back in the days when Gopher was the niftiest and keenest technology out there for sharing information on the 'net. I was a writer and it was a great outlet for things. Then, well, I stopped. I suppose all of the negative stuff I used to rant about and just "let go" got all bottled-up inside of me and it was really making me sour. Earlier this year, I created a few spews that ended up being posted on a friend's web site and also ended up being copied and distributed by people living halfway across the country. So, maybe I have a talent for these things that needs to be shared with the world.

Then again, maybe not. Maybe it is just a cheap form of therapy.

OK, now that the obligatory "why the hell am I writing this" issue is out of the way, time for a bit of a spew, I suppose. And, since I want to keep things moderately light, I will stay away from politics and religion (you know, just like they tell you to do at polite dinner parties) and instead take a look at the relationshippy side of life.

First, I am single. I am in my late twenties and single. Now, according to my older brother who pulled a Cameron and married the first woman he slept with and is reaping the benefits of that situation, the fact that I am in my late twenties and single means that there is obviously something psychologically wrong with me. After my younger cousin's wedding reception, while the two of us were inebriated with each other for the first time ever, this little observation popped out.

I love my Cameron-like brother dearly (and, if you don't understand that reference, you are going to miss a lot of my standard Gen-X references as these spews go on) and usually think the world of his advice, but I feel that my problem is simply that I am tired of dealing with the bullsh*t of dating and men in general in my life. Rather than sell myself short, I have simply opted to pull myself out of the game.

Now, that isn't because I am hideous and am simply trying to make myself feel better. Just this past month, I have had a few very nice young men ask me to dinner or to a movie and was fully propositioned by a married friend AND his wife, so it isn't like there aren't offers. It is just that I am at the point where the offers just aren't worth the effort. Ayway, I really do have a point here I was trying to make and I should get back to that.

In my 10 years of dating, only three of the men I dated did NOT cheat on me. The majority of the ones who did cheated on me with friends of mine. I was once engaged and had my fiance living with me. He cheated on me and we split up with him owing me over $3600 and, to top it off, he stole my comic book collection. I moved on after that extremely emotionally abusive situation (it was a true mind-f*ck he had me in that embarasses the h*ll out of me now to even admit I fell for it), I did pull-back, rebuild and try my hand at love again. I fell beyond completely in love with a man I truly believed was THE ONE. He helped me rebuild things and I thought was good for me. The relationship was a long distance one. I found out too well that he had a number of companions when I wasn't immediately with him. It was like I was the primary or first wife of a polygamist. I couldn't deal with this and, after attempts to work things out, ended our relationship. And, in that ending, I ripped my own heart out as well.

I haven't fallen in love since, and that was three years ago.

That is not to say I haven't had sex in that time, I have, but once I sleep with someone, I just want them to leave me alone and not be in my life any longer.

Anyhoooo....that is a necessary bit of history, but the main thing is that yes, I have been in love and know what I write of. But, in my experiences, I have had to build up the self-esteem to know that I am not going to take any cr*p in a relationship. If my partner cheats on me, it's over. I will not believe the pleas of "It's just sex with them, I really love you." I expect the same loyalty I feel and display for my partner from him and, if that balance isn't there, I will soon follow.

So, apparently, this is a sign of mental illness, according to my brother, a man too depressed and with too low a self-image to get out of a relationship with a woman who has proven herself to be selfish and manipulative. Sad sad sad. He is Cameron.

There are a lot of women out there like me. We are women in their late twenties and early thirties who once were all gooey-eyed and romantic when we were in our teens and early twenties. We devoted ourselves to some man or other and found ourselves being used and abused in some way by them. As a result, we have learned how to get on in life alone since was can't trust a man we are dating to actually be there when we need them. We are the women who will load our own suitcases into a taxi at the airport. We are the women who have full toolboxes and impressive power tools of our own. We are women who look at women's magazine covers declaring knowlege of ways to turn men on in bed and reply "Show up naked...with a six-pack if they are difficult cases." We are women who look at younger, naive women with hopeful smiles but knowing sadness in our eyes when they babble on at length about some man or other they met at a bar or club the previous night.

The strange bit is though that we are usually at the point in relationships that the men we were involved with were when they smashed our hopeful views of romance. I am still reeling from minor pangs of guilt for the men I slept with and then, after the act, found myself counting the minutes until I could properly kick them out of my bed. I found myself trying to make the guilt lighter by, before sleeping with them, explaining very clearly that once the night was over, so was anything between us. I find myself having to explain to them too often that they knew what they were getting into before the deed as they ask the horrid question of "But why?" I have been told by my male friends that this is standard male behavior...if I was a male. They also seem shocked that I would do this to men since I am a straight woman. A few have actually scolded me for, well, being like they are.

I hate double-standards and I that one just really bothers the hell out of me too much. If a woman treats a man like men usually treat women in relationships, we are horrible creatures who should be filled with guilt and be reprimanded for our behavior. And, it is because I feel this guilt that I stopped simply sleeping with someone and kicking them out of my life after only three of these partners in a three year period.

So, should I seek a professional's advice? Should I be told that since I do not follow the desired male response of doing anything to keep mah man because I should define myself by the male of my affections in my life, that I am in need of being fixed somehow? No. I don't think I should. I think that it is a healthy thing to know what I want and know what standards I will hold myself and others in my life to.

Ever since college, my mother has seemingly wished I was a lesbian because she has seen the relationships I have been in and thinks that if I just got involved with women, the problems would be fixed. Nope. Most women irritate the holy hell out of me and I simply do not feel an attraction to them at all. I wish I did, because maybe most of my problems would be solved, but I don't. Oh well.

So yeah, that is my life tonight, thinking about why I am alone and what, if anything, I want to do about it. And, letting it out a bit in a spew to promote better mental health.

Ta daaaaaah.